Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
