just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
