He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
