One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
