your thong is hanging out like whoa
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
