hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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