Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
