last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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