I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
