I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
