Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
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You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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