1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
