shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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