sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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