My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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