wrigley field is MILF paradise
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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