I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize