I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
