I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
