I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
