i can't believe i had my finger in that
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
