I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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