I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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