Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
