My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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