I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
