The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
