The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
