blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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