He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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