I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
