I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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