I must be too annoying 4 u.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
