I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
