Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
