My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
