Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
