you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
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When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
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I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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