I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
