Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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