I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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