He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
