This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize