I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
