I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
