i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
