something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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