My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
