3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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