Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW