My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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