Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
being pregnant is like rehab
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
