walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
