Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
