Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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