shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
