She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
