I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
