Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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