Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
