I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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